Comments are welcome

I'm going to propose one answer at the end of article. First, a typical definition: "Harassment is any form of unwanted and unwelcome behaviour which may range from mildly unpleasant remarks to physical violence." You should immediately see a problem: it is broad and subjective (violence apart). Next, let me suggest ten myths about harassment. These are claims or assumptions people often make when discussing harassment.

1. Harassment equals discrimination

Discrimination is prejudgment of individuals based on recognizable yet irrelevant criteria: ethnic origin, gender, religion, appearance, etc. It is often accompanied with harassment, used to implement discriminatory policies. Yet these are not the same. Much, even most harassment has no element of discrimination.

2. Harassment is a gender/race issue

This is the same myth, restated in terms of the feminist and "minority" struggles against discrimination. The danger with this myth is that it misses the bulk of harassment, misunderstands it, and ironically, makes it harder to fix. Worse, the myth splits us. We solve harassment together, not divided.

3. Harassment is rare so it's irrelevant

In fact slow, methodical harassment is widespread. It is often covert and indirect: violence against our time, space or belongings. Lies and distortion of events. Attacks on our reputation. Neglect of us and our environment. Intrusions into our privacy. We are so blunted by this that we shrug and dismiss harassment as inevitable.

4. Harassment is an inevitable part of life

While harassment is common, it is not inevitable. Many groups are free of it. Yet others are riven by it. I've seen both cases in my work with communities. It shows in people being broadly happy, or broadly miserable. Consider it a form of infectious disease that can hit anyone, and the goal to be 100% eradication. It takes science, knowledge, and patience to cure a disease.

5. Harassment is obvious when you see it

Since we've learned to unsee harassment, we assume it must be dramatically visible when it happens. In fact, most harassment is a chain of small, almost invisible acts spread out over time. The drama comes at times, yet it hides the far larger burden of costs. Looking for drama is counter-productive. We must instead look for damage.

6. Anyone can be the harasser

Like the best myths this is half-true. We're all capable of joining a mob, as in that video. Temporary power over others can be addictive: see how predatory that mob is. Yet most harassment is a long term, focused activity. Anyone with empathy is jolted when they realize they are hurting someone else. It can take a while for empathy to react. We can all make mistakes, yet most of us self-correct.

7. Harassment is a motiveless act

Harassment is driven by a hunger for power, unencumbered by empathy for others. It is the tool of a small slice of people who use it to capture victims, attack rivals, discredit critics, and divide opposition. Such people learn the techniques young, and practice them all their lives. They are almost invisible, except by the damage they do to others.

8. Adults will police each other

Sometimes this works, yet it is not reliable. People tend to accept the word of the most dominant, charismatic individual in a group or couple. Charming lies survive for years. Did you learn the tongue taste map at school? It is 100% bogus. If the harasser is assertive, they can turn a mob into their tool. Most of us are too polite, afraid, and timid to police others.

9. Outlawing harassment will stop it

There are those who follow rules and social mores. And there are those who disrespect others, and harass them when it suits. Bullying is banned in every civilized school, yet is widespread. Rules without fair and accurate enforcement is worse than no rules. Harassers are the first to exploit poor rules and weak authority.

10. We don't need rules, we have manners

Look at anti-harassment rules differently. They are not to tell the harasser what not to do. Rather, they are to tell the rest of us when to ask for help. Weak rules say, "Don't do A or B." Good rules say, "X and Y are not acceptable. If this happens to you, follow procedure Z."

Conclusion

I'm a reluctant authoritarian, assuming everyone has the freedom to walk away from corrupt authorities. I've seen groups riven by harassment (like the FFII I was president of for two years), and groups almost entirely free of it (like the ZeroMQ community). The difference is not accidental.

In my experience, the cure for harassment is a mix of a clear contract, impartial and neutral enforcement, education, and freedom. The most plausible punishment is exclusion (banishment), giving a perpetrator time and chance to self-correct, apologize, and prove their goodwill. Education means teaching people about the underlying models of harassment, to recognize distress in themselves and others, and to respond to it appropriately. Freedom means the ability to leave and form new groups, if authority is corrupt.

In the video, I guess the harasser is one of the louder students attacking the professor. He or she is using the situation to build up power over their peer group, and over the faculty. They're using the professor as an easy common enemy, to create emotions. They already have a slice of the crowd as followers. Tomorrow, a bunch more. Their goal is to use the entire campus as a power base. It's practice. They'll graduate to business or politics.

by pieterh

In Chapter 1, we get the core hypothesis of the book, which is that psychopaths are social predators of other humans. It is not a new idea, indeed it is becoming mainstream. I've just taken the idea further than others.

In Chapter 2, we see how psychopaths hunt. It is strongly driven by gender and age. In each case the psychopath uses stealth and deception to get close and make their prey trust them. Learn these patterns, and you become immune to them.

In Chapter 3, we see how psychopaths capture their victims, and build the abusive bond. The psychopath isolates and manipulates their target into giving them anything. Again, knowing these patterns, we become immune to them.

In Chapter 4, we see the most brutal phase of the psychopathic relationship. In this stage, the psychopath drains their target, while abusing them into silence and acceptance.

In Chapter 5, we begin to turn the tables by tracking and identifying psychopaths. We see over a hundred traits and behaviors you can identify, including how you feel in the embrace of a psychopath.

In Chapter 6, we examine the human emotions. This is the key to understanding psychopathy and our response to it. We work through about fifty universal human emotions, of which psychopaths have nine.

In Chapter 7, we see how to break free from the embrace of a psychopath. The material explains step-by-step how to regain your power, and disable your abuser. It is not an overnight process, so patience and calm are essential.

In Chapter 8, I answer frequently-asked questions that follow from the material.

The book is available for sale on Amazon.com and Kindle, and for free from psychopathcode.com. Please do share the free PDFs and ebooks with your friends and family.

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by pieterh

Disclaimer

The author is not a psychiatric or medical professional. The author does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any techniques as a form of treatment for physical or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intention of the author is to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional or spiritual well-being. In the event that you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your right, the author and publisher assume no responsibility for your actions. None of the suggestions included in this book are intended to replace the care of a physician or to interfere with a diagnosis, prescribed medicines or therapies.

Breaking the Glass

You will need to realize several things. The first is, are you the victim of psychological abuse? It is rarely overt. The bruises tend to be mental, not physical. An abusive relationship is disguised in lies, the ones your abuser tells you, and the ones you tell yourself. That makes it hard to see clearly.

Let's start with your feelings. Are you often sad, depressed, even suicidal? Do you feel empty and worthless? Have you bent your life to the other person's needs? Do you take blame for the failures, and do you keep trying to fix things? Do you feel you might be crazy? Do you feel burnt-out? Are you lonely, and have you lost old friends and relations? Do you drink a little too much?

If you're nodding to this list, you are probably in an abusive relationship. It is far more common than you realize. I'd estimate 10% to 20% of people are in abusive relationships at any point in time. It can be hard to recognize, admit, deal with, both for victims and for their friends and family.

Next, let's examine the relationship that is stressing you. Did it start "perfect" and then turn into a nightmare over time? Is it marked by sudden, unexpected crises? Is it characterized by extreme emotions? Is there verbal or physical violence? Have you invested everything in the relationship, with little in return? Has it become the only relationship that matters, over-shadowing friends and family? Are you unable to imagine any alternatives?

These are the signs of the abusive bond. If this describes your situation, then you are under attack. Assume the person doing this is a psychopath, with or without formal diagnosis. We'll come to a detailed diagnosis later. What matters now is to recognize your situation, and how you are being attacked. It may seem random, yet it is systematic. The goal is to confuse and isolate you, strip you of your assets, then destroy and discard you. The violence is just part of that.

If this does not describe your situation, then you can skip the rest of this section.

Now, take a fresh look at the other person. If you are facing a psychopath, it can be impossible to see their real nature. You must look sideways, and by reflection off other people. Do you see someone who cares for others, or someone who cares for themselves? Do they make quiet, careful plans, or are they chaotic? Do they save and invest, or are their finances in a mess? Are they surrounded by happy people, or by a cloud of stressed, obsessed followers? Do they have a solid professional and social history, or is their past a blank mystery?

When you come to the decision, "I am the victim of an abusive psychopath," then you are halfway to the door. You will be tempted to flee, and when you talk about your realization with others, they will tell you to get away. In common culture, "psychopath" means "serial killer."

In reality "psychopath" means the slow draining of your life force, like a vampire sucking you dry over weeks, even years. There can be physical violence, yet it's mostly insignificant compared to the psychological damage. This means if you leave, you take your damage with you.

Here is my overall strategy: patience, observation, and the slow turning of the relationship around. From victim and enabler, you become an immovable force that recognizes and blocks the psychopath's many attacks. You slowly disable your abuser, and in doing this you regain your power. Finally you end the relationship on your own terms, a whole person.

Sometimes you can just tell an abusive person, "it is over, do not contact me again." Yet often it requires force and time to break the relationship.

The law tends to ignore psychological abuse between adults. Most psychopaths are careful to leave no evidence. The police and courts tend to be cynical about "he said, she said" accusations. And no matter what you say, a psychopath will always have a better lie. This is how cults can operate in broad daylight.

So you cannot make verbal accusations. Indeed, it will tend to work against you. When it comes to wars of words, psychopaths are powerful. Instead, be patient and collect material evidence. There are ways to provoke a psychopath into doing and saying self-destructive things.

When you confront a psychopath, or even change your behavior slightly, the response is usually more abuse. You will be terrified, and hurt. You will want things to be "normal," and parts of you will be screaming, "don't provoke him, it'll only make things worse!"

This is the point when many people give up and return to their abusers. It is easier to accept than to fight back in pain. Yet to accept abuse is to die a slow death.

From experience we see that most threats are bluff and bluster. Predators are fragile. They cannot survive exposure. They will snarl and bully, yet confronted with real resistance and the risk of wider sanctions, they mostly back off.

Learn the laws that cover abuse and harassment. Make friends with your local police. Learn the types of reports you can file. Does violent language count as abuse? Or do you need bruises and a medical certificate? Are you legally allowed to record phone calls and conversations? Do your research.

If you share property, a business, or children, do contact a lawyer. The police will give you the address of your local victim support groups. If you are in a difficult domestic situation, a psychologist who specializes in abuse victims will help as you fight your way out of the relationship. Whether you're a man or a woman, asking for help to fight an abuser is no shame.

And here is your superpower: other people. When you talk to others you'll find that many have similar experiences. When you get evidence of abusive behavior you can publish it and file police complaints. Your abuser can only hide when others excuse and forget his or her behavior.

Above all, patience and calm. You need to learn a lot and change some deep assumptions about your life. You are not to blame. Abusers choose their victims, not the other way around. Read the book slowly, and take your current situation as a chance to become a stronger, wiser person.

Continue reading...

by pieterh